Pain
by AliasOfWestgate
Summary: ReloadKami-sama arc inspired fic. Gojyo's introspection after they've limped away to heal. Major spoilers for Gojyo's past and the arc as well. R


**Alias:** *waves to the readers from her keyboard* I'm here again, with another angst piece, inspired mostly by the Kami-sama arc animated in Reload and that originally appeared in the GS Saiyuki manga's last two volumes. It was the utter sadness of the second half of this Reload episode of the same name that had me near crying, and then proceeded to nail me with something that Gojyo may have been thinking while that happened. 

 Thanks to both **Missheru** and **Sychogrl** for the beta jobs, and putting up with my insane ravings while all these stories consume my brain.  

Without further ado here's my stuff. 

**Disclaimer**s: All Gensomaden Saiyuki characters belong to Kazuya Minekura-sensei and not me, or I'd not be in college, ne? 

**Warnings**: light shounen-ai, a lot of angst dealing with the sheer hell a certain kappa went though in his childhood, and his worry, once more over the people he cares for. 

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Pain

By AliasOfWestgate

Little bursts of agony as I breathe, more of them as I flick my Zippo listlessly without lighting it. The pain is bearable, but only to me. The wall I lean against is cold, even with my white shirt tossed over my shoulders for a bit of warmth. I'm waiting for the monk and Hakkai to wake up again for the fourth night in a row. Goku woke up already, all I know is that he won't eat and isn't arguing. Really not like him to brood like that, I dunno whether to be scared or worried.  I've checked on Hakkai several times in the last few days too, no change yet. 

I'm more concerned about Hakkai though. He's still out of it. Almost as comatose as the time if first found him, after he fell in front of me in the mud a few years ago. I can smell the antiseptic in the air still, the gauze and the tinny smell of blood again. It never leaves when wounds are this serious. His quiet breathing worries me, and how long will it be till he wakes up this time?  It took everything I could muster to pick him up and ignore my own lancing pain to get him into Jiip, to escape that bastard Kami-Sama. I know why I was able to do that too. No thanks to my Mother. 

It was her beatings that made me able to ignore the larger hurts later on, though some of those days the bruises, the tears and the agony of living under her roof were more than I could bear. I never knew if other kids experienced it or not, all I knew is that she cried and I didn't want her to cry anymore. No matter how much I loved her and Jien, she never loved me back. Her way of even acknowledging I existed was with hard  knocks on a daily basis.  It hurt me yes, but I still didn't want her to cry. Not at all. 

I got no sympathy from the neighbors or their kids either. The adults shunned me; the kids tossed stones at me and mocked me ruthlessly. I had no one but Jien to tell me that I was actually a decent person. It's all the pain, the bruises, the beatings, the stones thrown while I walked home from classes, barely time to heal before the next batch was given. I got used to pain back then. I got used to the feel of small pieces of hurt as I did my daily routine of classes, home and classes again. Jien helped me escape it now and then, but I still didn't get away often enough to fully heal. Not until after that final beating. 

After that, I seemed to seek out the pain. I got into fights as only a child living alone does. I would scrap with the kids for food, until I learned how good I actually was at cards, and then I still ended up brawling with sore losers over card games. Do I search it out? I haven't a clue; all I know is that those don't bother me. That kind of pain is momentary, or maybe it's the fact that I have time to heal. Then again, it could be the pleasure of seeing things again after the fight. Pain always makes pleasure sweeter later, right? Either way, I still jump into fights first, because getting hit, getting hurt doesn't matter. I'd rather go through yet more pain, yet more of my blood in the air, if only so Hakkai doesn't have to.  Not that he needs this protection, but it's the matter of can he withstand it? What he's told me of his childhood was that he fought a lot in the homes he was sent to, but he still didn't go through as much I did. Not half as much as I did, and do, mostly for him. I admit I don't like seeing the saru or the bouzu hurt either, but that's beside the point. 

The hell that I endured was what gave me the strength to pick everyone up, in middle of my own pain to save their lives. I don't want to see them covered in blood again, not like that. It gave me what I needed, to pick up Hakkai's light form again, and lug the dead weight of Goku and Sanzo up and into Jiip. Then drive for as long as it took to get to that old tavern, and beg the Master for a room. I ignored every flare of pain that was there, broken ribs, cuts and more bruises than I can count. Those damned beads of that effeminate bastard hurt incredibly. It still wasn't' enough to keep me down. Goddamn him. I can put up with my own pain, but I hate to see it in those I care for. Even innocents don't deserve that kind of agony. Ginkaku and Kinkaku… Another bone I have to pick with Kami-Sama. The pain of my friends and more pain of those that didn't deserve it at all. I've been called a masochist for jumping into crap and getting hurt—but that bastard is a sadist. Enjoying the pain he causes. Not any more. If we live through this, I'll see _him_ in pain. And stuff that laugh of his down his throat. For now, it's waiting on the others to wake up, and help them heal enough to get on our feet again. 

Can you hear me thinking this, Kami-Sama? I hope you can, because your ass is mine, if the others don't beat me to it.  

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Owari ^_~ 

Alias 

Update: Several things on the go here. JQ chap 6, a follow up to _Like a Prayer_, among half a dozen other little ideas that bite me with no respect to my work hours. _ Daijoubu folks, enjoy the insanity while it lasts…I know I am.  ^_^


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